All choked up

I've been in and out of a flurry of emotions this pass few weeks. I'm so tired.

I'm riding on a emotional roller coaster, feeling feelings that I have not felt in a long time, revisiting past memories and sensations that I forgotten I have ever felt. Opening cans of worms, and letting what I thought once was history to come back to haunt me. My childish fears have gotten the best of me again.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the little island down below. Where hobbits run free and snowcap mountains greet you like a picture out of a postcard. I have been thinking about my care free life there, the air, the beautiful colours, my freedom, friends I have made that became my family in a country that I was so foreign to, and people who have once stolen my heart. People who still very much, have a place in my heart.

I miss them all, this little country who has so much of memories and freedom that I still longed in my heart. As I sat on my bed on that Saturday, listening to Bic Runga, I know I want so much to leave every baggage I have here and go there.

A runaway.

An escape.

Or maybe a home coming.

Seeing him again, his cheeky smile and him telling me random stories of stand up comedians who sing, our incessant conversation over sushi and a walk in the big furniture place brought back lots of fond memories; memories of us sitting in my little hub in 1102, where nights were spent arguing and joking over, well, nothing at all. Images of him sitting at my desk pondering away on my laptop while the sound of him tapping away on the keyboard lulls me to sleep, knowing that I will wake up to him still asleep, while I go off to uni – came back to me. And I felt a big longing in my heart. I missed him. I really did.

All these memories make me wonder what will happen if he were to say yes. Would we be where we are now? Will things between us change? Will it be better than where we are now? I know for sure, it wouldn’t be for him, for he already has the best. Makes me a little jealous to know that, but yet I couldn’t decide who is luckier, him or her?

I guess no one really knows these things.

I wish I could turn back time, but even if I could would anything change?

I’m reopening chapters in my life that I thought I have closed.

Peeling the scabs off old wounds.

Maybe I am in a state of transition, a moment in my life where I am in a place before I make life choices and decisions, that one step that can change the paths that I am now walking. My heart is burdened I need a break through. I know I need to seek balance and peace, for now I am swaying.

I woke up with a worship song in my head. Seldom does that happen, but when it does, it is God's own little way to tell me that He is in me, that He never left. Though I cannot remember what sing it was, but it gave me a little peace that I so need now.

I feel so lost.